Gummy Penises?

Do you see them too?

This is why we need to eat people

Hi everyone,

This is a really, really old email I sent out back before blogs, when I had my "reverend georges uber yahweh" list.
---zemkat

"Jesse Sandler said he was one of the people pushing forward, using a folding chair he had brought with him to beat back people who tried to cut in front of him..."

"Witnesses said an elderly man was thrown to the pavement, and someone in a car tried to drive his way through the crowd..."

Dear followers,

Such events, which occured yesterday, are sure to warrant a massive WTF from ye ol' reverend georges. Although I can and do condone all forms of senseless acts of nonsensical and humorous violence, I strongly feel that such violence should always have a motive...some goal, a sort of reward of sorts.

In this case, the trampling, the beating, the pissing on oneself (see story below) was all in the name of purchasing a crappy, used, broken $50 laptop computer. Surely this cannot be! Since when did we return to the days of the Cabbage Patch where plenty an arm was broken as people wrangled over Xavier Robert's backwards-elbowed nightmarishly hideous dolls? Has my mighty plan of evolution turned backwards on itself, with people becoming increasingly stupid while technology advances by leaps and bounds?

Perhaps these people need the computers to replace their brains, which have long ago crashed under a Fatal Error.

Until next time we meet,

Rev. georges

http://www.chron.com/cs/CDA/ssistory.mpl/nation/3313671

Laptop offer sets off bargain-hunters' bedlam

Schools' sale of used iBooks draws crowd of 5,500, leaves 17 injured

By KRISTEN GELINEAU
Associated Press

Dean Hoffmeyer/Richmond Times-Dispatch Henrico County Police Sgt. A.J. Scott tries to control the crowd rushing into Richmond International Raceway in Virginia on Tuesday.

RICHMOND, VA. - Witnesses likened it to the running of the bulls.

Screams filled the air and police called for backup as people were trampled, beaten with a folding chair and nearly driven over. A child's stroller was crushed. A woman urinated on herself.

All in the name of getting a bargain.

The violent stampede erupted Tuesday when thousands showed up at the Richmond International Raceway to purchase $50 used laptops. The Henrico County school system was selling 1,000 of the 4-year-old Apple iBooks to county residents. New iBooks cost between $999 and $1,299.

"I could not move, I could not breathe," said Latoya Jones, 19, who lost one of her flip-flops in the ordeal and later limped around on the sizzling blacktop with one foot bare. "This is total, total chaos."

Officials opened the gates at 7 a.m., but some already had been waiting since 1:30 a.m. When the gates opened, it became a terrifying mob scene.

People threw themselves forward, screaming and pushing each other. Witnesses said an elderly man was thrown to the pavement, and someone in a car tried to drive his way through the crowd.

Seventeen people suffered minor injuries, with four requiring hospital treatment, Henrico County Battalion Chief Steve Wood said. There were no arrests and the iBooks sold out by 1 p.m. Police estimated around 5,500 people turned up for the sale.

"It's rather strange that we would have such a tremendous response for the purchase of a laptop computer — and laptop computers that probably have less-than-desirable attributes," said Paul Proto, director of general services for Henrico County. "But I think that people tend to get caught up in the excitement of the event — it almost has an entertainment value."

Blandine Alexander, 33, said one woman standing in front of her was so desperate to retain her place in line that she wet herself.

"I've never been in something like that before, and I never again will," said Alexander, who brought her 14-year-old twin sons to the complex at 4:30 a.m. to wait in line. "No matter what the kids want, I already told them I'm not doing that again."

Jesse Sandler said he was one of the people pushing forward, using a folding chair he had brought with him to beat back people who tried to cut in front of him.

"I took my chair here and I threw it over my shoulder and I went, 'Bam,' " the 20-year-old said nonchalantly, his eyes glued to the screen of his new iBook, as he tapped away on the keyboard at a testing station.

Eating Babies for Jesus

As some of you know, I appointed myself as "acolyte shepherd" of my church some 16 months ago. I was motivated by the desire to ensure my eternal salvation by enduring Hell in the form of fourth grade boys in white robes handling red wine.

As part of my effort to whip the troops into shape, I set out to create an acolyte training manual of sorts...a visual representation of what they should be doing to enhance the worship of our God. Rule #1--Don't leave church mid-service. Rule #2--Jesus isn't cool with muddy crocs.....and so on. For this manual, I had to stage a series of scenes with the priest and servers interacting as though at an actual Mass. Things were going very well until we got to the baptism shot and noticed that the baby doll was missing (btw, I ended up finding it at my apartment later that week sans the arms, which eventually turned up in my dog's poop).


Thinking quickly, the priest jetted on up to the nearby Fiesta to get a loaf of "ethnic" bread to stand in for a plump, sprinkled baby. So, the priest baptized the sweet bread and the pictures were taken and all was good in the world. Until, of course, I ate the baby. I felt a brief moment of horror upon realizing that I had eaten a baptized, Christian pastry, but as the priest pointed out, "We eat our God too, so it's okay."

Here's why I don't play sports

Today, while logging observation hours at a local neurotherapy center, I lost a game of Horse against a one armed paraplegic with severe brain trauma.

Why?

Angelic boy child caressing fetus.

Whoever came up with this idea for a "family photo" needs to be jabbed with a coathanger.

Why I am forever banned from Expedia.com

So as many of you know, I've been planning this trip to Finland and then was supposed to return to Connecticut so my b.f.f. could get gay married. Well, due to lack of foresight, karma, or whatever malevolent forces exist in the universe, the wedding was postponed. So imagine me on the phone at midnight, explaining this to the Expedia lady who could care less about the personal life of Zemkat. It didn't help that she spoke heavily accented English at 500 words per minute and had access to a comparative list of flights and prices while I frantically scribbled down her responses to my questions such as "What do you mean that Finnair does not serve vegan meals?" and "Excuse me but how can I avoid this 32 hour layover at the London Heathrow airport?"

Sigh.

Adventures in Zemland

This morning I had an incident with a candle warmer at my friend Nero's house.






Nero (walking into the room): WHAT IN THE GODDAMN HELL?!?!?
Me: What?
Nero: You do realize you’re covered in hot wax, correct?
Me: Oh that? I was just trying to achieve that sleek, hairless look.
Nero: So how will you be paying for the damage this time?

I tried to defend myself by pointing out that it was a jar of liquefied wax, just waiting for an accident to happen. Never mind that that stupid candle warmer has been in his house in that exact spot for three years without anyone else wrecking it. My defense a failure, I set about cleaning with a hot iron and wet towel (hey didn't I see that combo in a porn somewhere?).

The wax was coming up quite well until that damn butterfly distracted me and I burned a triangle in the carpet. Nero was a bit confused when upon returning to the room, he discovered that his couch and entertainment center had been rearranged. However, seeing no cause for concern and certainly no burnt carpet, he accepted my explanation that Martha Stewart had stopped by as part of her “Getting Down and Dirty with the Locals” tour.

I’m actually on my way to Nero’s house this morning to continue or summer horror movie marathon, but first I'm giving him time to Zem-proof his home with bubble wrap.