Eating Babies for Jesus

As some of you know, I appointed myself as "acolyte shepherd" of my church some 16 months ago. I was motivated by the desire to ensure my eternal salvation by enduring Hell in the form of fourth grade boys in white robes handling red wine.

As part of my effort to whip the troops into shape, I set out to create an acolyte training manual of sorts...a visual representation of what they should be doing to enhance the worship of our God. Rule #1--Don't leave church mid-service. Rule #2--Jesus isn't cool with muddy crocs.....and so on. For this manual, I had to stage a series of scenes with the priest and servers interacting as though at an actual Mass. Things were going very well until we got to the baptism shot and noticed that the baby doll was missing (btw, I ended up finding it at my apartment later that week sans the arms, which eventually turned up in my dog's poop).


Thinking quickly, the priest jetted on up to the nearby Fiesta to get a loaf of "ethnic" bread to stand in for a plump, sprinkled baby. So, the priest baptized the sweet bread and the pictures were taken and all was good in the world. Until, of course, I ate the baby. I felt a brief moment of horror upon realizing that I had eaten a baptized, Christian pastry, but as the priest pointed out, "We eat our God too, so it's okay."