Here's why I don't play sports

Today, while logging observation hours at a local neurotherapy center, I lost a game of Horse against a one armed paraplegic with severe brain trauma.

Why?

Angelic boy child caressing fetus.

Whoever came up with this idea for a "family photo" needs to be jabbed with a coathanger.

Why I am forever banned from Expedia.com

So as many of you know, I've been planning this trip to Finland and then was supposed to return to Connecticut so my b.f.f. could get gay married. Well, due to lack of foresight, karma, or whatever malevolent forces exist in the universe, the wedding was postponed. So imagine me on the phone at midnight, explaining this to the Expedia lady who could care less about the personal life of Zemkat. It didn't help that she spoke heavily accented English at 500 words per minute and had access to a comparative list of flights and prices while I frantically scribbled down her responses to my questions such as "What do you mean that Finnair does not serve vegan meals?" and "Excuse me but how can I avoid this 32 hour layover at the London Heathrow airport?"

Sigh.

Adventures in Zemland

This morning I had an incident with a candle warmer at my friend Nero's house.






Nero (walking into the room): WHAT IN THE GODDAMN HELL?!?!?
Me: What?
Nero: You do realize you’re covered in hot wax, correct?
Me: Oh that? I was just trying to achieve that sleek, hairless look.
Nero: So how will you be paying for the damage this time?

I tried to defend myself by pointing out that it was a jar of liquefied wax, just waiting for an accident to happen. Never mind that that stupid candle warmer has been in his house in that exact spot for three years without anyone else wrecking it. My defense a failure, I set about cleaning with a hot iron and wet towel (hey didn't I see that combo in a porn somewhere?).

The wax was coming up quite well until that damn butterfly distracted me and I burned a triangle in the carpet. Nero was a bit confused when upon returning to the room, he discovered that his couch and entertainment center had been rearranged. However, seeing no cause for concern and certainly no burnt carpet, he accepted my explanation that Martha Stewart had stopped by as part of her “Getting Down and Dirty with the Locals” tour.

I’m actually on my way to Nero’s house this morning to continue or summer horror movie marathon, but first I'm giving him time to Zem-proof his home with bubble wrap.

Night Trip

So around 11:30pm, I had the idea to climb up an oak tree by the Rothko chapel and look at the full moon. So there I was sitting in the oak tree, enjoying the moon beams, when a University of St. Thomas security guard materialized and shined his light up at me. Our conversation went something like this:

Guard: And just what are you doing in that tree on a night like this?

Zemkat (without thinking): Um….witchcraft?

Guard: (angry stare)

The nearby swarm of feral cats and empty bottles of Schlitz Malt Liquor littering the base of the tree did nothing to help my case.

After it was determined that I was neither drunk nor sacrificing cats and that I was no real harm to the general population, I was allowed to remain in the tree staring at the moon. Until I fell down about ten minutes later, of course, because as it turned out, I really was quite drunk.

Dancing Queen

I am attending a belly dance workshop today. Right now is a lunch break to give everyone a chance to throw up and chain smoke. Everything hurts. I discovered muscles today that I didn't know existed. And now they hurt.

For the love of hair

They told me to not put Rogain on my receeding hairline, but did I listen?

"It will drip down onto your face! Your eyebrows will be as caterpillars," my hairstylist said.

My appointment with the Houston Electrolysis Clinic is tomorrow at 1pm.

second attempt at blog

My first attempt at blogging on wordpress failed because my attention deficitted mind could not focus long enough to find the "post" button. So Evn, my apologies for not following through on your suggestion to use wordpress. Or maybe you told me to use blogger....I forget.

I am entering my second hour of trying to buy a plane ticket to Finland. If the Expedia drone says, "bear with me" once more, my projectile vomit may very well precede my flight. Sorry Irene!